One last Christmas --- asked, received but wish we hadn't...

In an earlier blog post, I talked about wanting one last Christmas with someone I loved dearly who was dying of cancer. I kinda sorta got my wish. She survived. But it was torture. She was in horrific pain as her pain receptors grew resistant to the pain meds (simplification). In fact, she hung in there until yesterday. But she wasn't really with us.

She was in hospice for a month and a day.

When she went in they gave her a few days to maybe a week. Because she was so young, just turned 23, her body fought long to stay on this earth.

Losing someone so young, so giving, so smart, so beautiful, so perfect...someone who probably never did anything worse than an occasional swear word...someone who wanted to be a nurse and managed to accomplish that goal, who graduated with honors, who had just taken a job, who was wonderful at helping others, who did all of that while undergoing treatment for cancer...makes one question everything about life.

I know life isn't fair. I know horrible things happen. But man, there were so many heartfelt prayers going up for this child. So many people praying, sending positive thoughts, so many doctors fighting for her. It's impossible to fathom a world where this could happen to someone with such a bright, awesome future.

To have her life end in such a torturous manner is beyond any kind of comprehension. If there had been even a tiny bit of hope, any way she could have been healed I could understand I suppose. But even if a miracle cure appeared it was so far past the point anything could happen there was NO point in just having her lay in a bed in pain for weeks.

Her family was there around the clock. Her parents had to watch her suffer and know there was nothing they could do to help their baby.

Why do we do this to people? I know there are many ethical issues, many reasons for not going the route of ending someone's life. But there has to be some balance, some way to stop this. Giving oxygen when her breathing became strained? Fluids to keep her hydrated? Why? I don't know if stopping any of that would be painful. I really don't know much about how our body reacts to the process of dying when fluids or oxygen is denied.

I guarantee you I am going to be doing some research. I am going to find out. I have a living will and a directive for do-not-resuscitate. Maybe I need a separate rider that says no life-giving nutrients to prolong inevitable death? You better believe I am going to figure it out, then pass on whatever I learn to the rest of the family.

I can't bear the fact that she suffered, and that her sister and parents suffered so mightily, as she exited our world. I am praying that she is happily frolicking in heaven right now. I know that this has forever scarred everyone and I know that beautiful soul would not have wanted anyone to suffer because of her. I know that she suffered more knowing her parents and sister and those of us who loved her suffered.

Nothing can ease the pain of losing her.