Asking for one last Christmas...

Someone I love dearly is going to depart this world sometime in the very near future. She has battled mightily, fought every step of the way despite the pain and misery... She has defied the doctor's predictions. Even now, knowing the end is inevitable our girl is still in control, making tough decisions and making war on the disease that is claiming her life.

I have been asking for one last Christmas together but am not sure that isn't a totally selfish request.

We all love her and don't want her to suffer. We all love her and don't want her to go.

I am one step removed and thus don't see her daily, continual suffering. Her immediate family are there to comfort, take care of her, suffer as they see her suffer.

I want to help but the best help I can give is to just listen and be there for her immediate family...but dang if I don't manage to say stupid things. I agonize over how to respond, what to say. When texting I write, erase, write, erase... I know that whatever I say or do it can be the wrong thing, can aggravate, irritate, make things worse, cause eye rolls 'cause they've heard it so many times from so many or I just don't know exactly how serious something is at the moment.

Christmas? Trying to move ahead, buy gifts, somewhat do the "normal things"...but she's always there on my mind, in my thoughts and I know I'm buying things she may never see...and that none of us are going to give a flying flip about gifts...but if she's there I want it to be as normal as possible. So I'm plodding ahead, probably spending more than I normally do, agonizing more over what to give than normal. If I can bring a few smiles it'll be worth it all.

Anger. I have a lot of anger. To know that a young girl, barely out of school, with a whole wonderful vibrant life ahead, will be taken, will not get that life is so wrong. And, if one more person says "it's in God's hands" or "God must want her to be with Him" or some other inane thing I may scream. Yes, I know...just like the things I say that are hurtful or wrong but said from a heart of love...they mean well. And I'm not saying it isn't true...it is just NOT what one wants to hear when a child is suffering. God does not want His children to suffer.

Prayer. So many across the world praying for our girl. Strong, strong believers. Sometimes I think a merciful God would have taken her earlier, spared her all the pain. Sometimes I think it's good that she had good times in the midst of it all, that all of her loved ones got to see a smile, to see her having a good time. Things like this make you wonder about the efficacy of prayer. Even if you don't believe in prayer most believe that all those thoughts and wishes and heartfelt prayers have an impact, that they can do something.

As usual, I'm rambling. There is something cathartic about writing down thoughts, putting the frustration into words...even if they don't flow, aren't English-school-teacher worthy :-)